Sandbox

Chris brought home a couple of boards and a truckload of sand yesterday.





After burying Jacob's legs in sand as we spread it around, he commenced to playing. Sadly, we only have one bucket, one shovel and a confiscated sand mold of a rocket ship.



Luckily, it's that time of year when things like sand toys are on sale, so I look forward to getting as much as possible for as little as possible. The sandbox is in the perfect place for playing during the winter, as well. It's next to the house, so it's sheltered from the wind and it will get the most sun during the day.



It's also huge!







Jacob and Chris resting and enjoying the new grass. It's growing quite well. We've mowed it three times and we only have a few dead spots to obsess over. One is right in front of the sprinkler head and I cannot figure out WHY it is dead. Thoughts?

Let's Go Campin'

Last week, Jacob and Chris went "Campin" which actually means fishing. Jacob was a little confused on what he actually wanted to do. I joined them after I got off work and luckily, they caught a fish.



Jacob is very excited to hold this fish. So, of course, this means that the fish managed to slip away when Chris took him off the hook and tried to put him in water for a second before handing it to Jacob.



This is the sad, sad face of a baby who did not get to hold the fish.



But don't you love his Coppertone tan? The kid is TAN! And I put sunscreen on him. I don't wear as much sunscreen as I should and he is more tan than I!



It's his sweet little Italian skin, I know it!

Mother's Day

I am so terrible about this! I meant to tell you all about my Mother's Day, and now it's Friday. Bad me.

While Jacob and I were at church, Chris went out and got me a couple bags of organic compost, three tomato plants, and a bunch of seeds for a garden! I've been bemoaning the fact that I do not have one for a long time, so it's great to know he actually listens to me.

We went out to get the rototiller right away, but after Chris struggled with one tiny patch of dirt for over 30 minutes, we decided that we'd have to rent a better tilling machine. Luckily, we got to borrow one for the week and now I have a fourth of the backyard as a garden. Chris tilled up the land and got a truckload of manure that we spread out and it's now ready for planting. We're going to head out and do that as soon as I finish writing.

The 2nd gift I get is that the dogs no longer get the whole backyard to themselves to completely trash! We're going to block off most of it to keep for us. So we're going to be putting in a sprinkler system and sod before the end of this month. It will be so nice to have a place to go play in the mornings or eat out at night. Our front yard is fine, but really tiny. The backyard has just been over run with weeds, stickers and dog poop, so it will be a big change to have something nice out there. But it also means we will have to clean it on a regular basis. And that is not my favorite thing to do!

I hope your day was good as well!

Baby Games

Chris and Jacob played a game while we walked around Boulder. Whenever they came close to a tree, or a pole or a crosswalk sign, Chris would lean back and Jacob would giggle uncontrollably.

Then his pants started to fall off and his diaper was leaking (disposable his Nana put him in that morning) and got Chris's neck all wet. I'm sure he was really happy about that.

Then a homeless dude came up to Chris and started talking about how Jacob's butt was showing, but it's ok because he was taking care of his kid. He proceeded to ask for a dollar to go buy a drink. He didn't want to lie, you see. He wanted money for booze. Chris declined.

Boulder

This weekend, we went up to Boulder to hang out, have lunch with my boss and shop. We haven't been able to get out for a day in a while so it was way too short for all the things we would have liked to do. In retrospect, getting a hotel and staying the night would have been genius!

I haven't been to Boulder in years so it was nice walk around Pearl Street and take some photos. I was shocked to see that pansies were blooming. I assume they were planted recently, but I could be wrong. Makes me almost hopeful for spring, even when there are 2 inches of snow on the ground and it's still falling.


This guy was awesome. Jacob put a dollar in his trunk and he offered to take a photo with him. Of course, Jacob was too scared to get close. When we first walked by, we didn't realize that he was real.


Shocking moment of the weekend: Jacob wanted to hold the baby, rather than pitch a fit that I was holding her.


My lap isn't big enough for two so CS had to help. Unrelated, I would like a baby girl now. Holy cow, she is cute. Even when she almost ripped my earring out of my ear.

We also made a stop at Mike's Camera store on Pearl St. and CS got me a new zoom lens for my camera. So now I have to take the in-between class next month, just to break it in!

Now if only he could give me a girl baby.....

Tulips

CS and I have never really celebrated Valentine's Day. I'm fine with that! I don't need a dinner date, flowers, chocolate, or uncomfortable underwear to prove love.

But it was nice to get these the day after. CS said he did it on purpose, a little love a little late.

They took a few days to bloom, so I got to enjoy them for over a week. We celebrated the actual Valentine's Day with me going to photo class and he stayed home with Jacob and sang nursery songs.

Monday After

I have to say that I was dreading today. I wanted to spend the day going to different shops, spending my Christmas money. Instead, I had to work! But I got Friday off and I get the 31st off, so I can't complain. And I can't take a day off! I should make up some hours, actually.

Christmas was great! CS and I woke up around 7:30, and sat around waiting for Jacob to get up. I went in to his room a few times, and tried to wake him but he's just like his daddy and can't wake up if he's tired. Finally, around 8:30 he was up and happy. The night before we had set up his new train table with all his new to him trains and track then covered it with a sheet. I had planned to wait until the end to let him see it, but CS told him to take the cover off right away.

And that's where we lost him. He had no interest in opening ANYTHING after he saw his trains. When we would hold out a wrapped package and ask him to open it, he would point at us and say "NO! Playing my trains!" and go back to moving them around. We finally convinced him to open other presents and he was happy to add all his new Cars cars to the train table.

CS got me a Kindle, which is pretty awesome, although he didn't realize that most Kindle books are closer to $10. He thought it was only $3 or so, but it will be good to kickstart my book-reading again. I've been so busy with sewing for Christmas that I haven't picked up a book in months! I read Room already and it's terribly haunting but a good story.

I also managed to forget handing out my Christmas cards to everyone so now I have to mail them all AFTER the holiday and that just sucks. I tried, I really did!

I got CS a Ninja blender and he keeps saying that he's never going to eat solid food again, but he also got a waffle maker so guess what we had for breakfast? If you said waffles and a smoothie, you'd be wrong because I failed to buy frozen yogurt and fruit to make smoothies.

Next year, I'm going to make lots and lots of lists and actually remember to check them.

I hope you had a great holiday!

I Do (not) Believe

Oh, the Santa thing. I'm dreading it this year as Jacob is getting bigger and more and more people are bringing up the Santa Thing.

I did not grow up believing in Santa. I'm not sure the exact reasons why, although I imagine putting Christ first in Christmas was part of it. My brothers and I thought the UPS man was the best thing ever because he always brought the boxes of toys that we knew were coming for Christmas. I've never regretted not putting out cookies (although I did, just to prove he wasn't real), or writing letters or going to the mall to sit on Santa's lap. We circled all the things we wanted in Sears catalogs and waited impatiently to tell our Grandma in Pennsylvania what we wanted. She was the best grandma, the one who got us the great toys. Our other grandparents lived next door and they always gave us clothes. Helpful! But not fun.

CS, on the other hand, did believe in Santa. Despite the fact that his parents pulled them from school on Halloween, they really did the Santa thing. His mom said it helped when they wanted really expensive toys, since Santa could only bring one thing? I'm hazy on the details.

The other day, CS's dad spoke directly to me about how Santa would be in town every Saturday for the next few weeks. I suppose I should have known it was coming but I was pretty surprised. He's only TWO! And I know he will be terrified if we take him to a big man with a beard and tell him he has to sit on his lap. I know he's not ready for that, and I'm not going to terrify him in the name of "tradition" for something I never knew.

But the more I think about it, the more I struggle with the whole concept. Say he does grow up believing in Santa. He's always going to ask questions about it. And I will have to lie. Not only will I have to lie, but I will have to buy a gift with the money I work very hard to have and tell my son that Santa gave it to him. Where the heck is Santa when I need to pay a doctor's bill?

I know it's all relatively harmless and lots of children grow up loving the fact that they believed in Santa. But I am happy with my Christmas past and so grateful to my family for all that they gave to me for Christmas and I want Jacob to appreciate how wonderful it is to not only get a gift but to give them as well. More fun, in fact!

So what about you? I'm curious!

Parade

This month we celebrate Pioneer Day here in Fremont County. Did you know, a very long time ago, that they almost made Florence the capital of Colorado rather than Denver? I can't imagine what our part of the state would look like if Florence was no longer the small town. I think Denver is a little bit more picturesque and less desert like, so I would say they made the right choice!

CS, Jacob and I rode in the fire truck for the beginning of the parade and settled ourselves onto the tailgate of CS's truck for the rest of the show once we got back to the station. Jacob ditched us about halfway through to go ride on the 4-wheeler with CS's parents. I should have made him stay to keep me in candy. No one likes an adult to go out there and steal kid's candy. But no one cares when you have a baby with you.

We went to the park afterwards and spend most of the afternoon there. Jacob managed to charm one of the carnival vendors into letting him have balloons whenever he passed by. I let him by a squeaky mallet which he used to pound another child's head in a mock fight with an equally squeaky alien. CS managed to drive me crazy in the two blocks back to the car by incessantly banging it onto his body, the stroller and my legs.

CS and I managed to pawn the baby off on to my mom and we went out to the street dance for a bit. We met up with a few of the girls I hung out with back when I worked at the bar, but they left early. It wasn't nearly as much fun as I would have liked it to be, but at least we got to go out and act like normal adults for a few hours. Plus, when you only have $25 to go out with, you don't come home and get sick before bed and wake up feeling like a bus hit you. Good thing I have the tolerance of a 14 year old again.

Blogging On Demand

I wish I would have thought to do this when Jacob was a baby.

I'm currently waiting for my floors to dry, so I'm rather confined to the chair at the moment. I used two rags to slide over here from the other room and I am pretty sure they will be dry in a few hours. There was a lot of water on the floor. I think my mop is broken.

Also, I can't change the channel unless I glide across the floor so I'm watching an infomercial about baseball? And medicine?

ALSO, I should be taking a nap because I have no idea why I am mopping floors with a hangover. I even went to a playdate at 9:30 this morning.

CS and I went out with some friends for dinner, followed by a trip to the bar for karaoke. It was a lot of fun, although I need to remember how much I can drink and stop going over that limit. But it's been about three years since I spent any time at a bar so I don't really have an opportunity to indulge. CS and I did our signature duet, Summer Lovin'. I didn't even have to force him, he filled out the slip and didn't tell me. It's fun to be young, carefree, and employed again!

Jacob did NOT have a good night without me, and I am wavering between being very happy that I was already asleep when CS's parents started texting me about Jacob being up. I am sad for him but I would not have been happy to take care of him, especially if he woke up before 8 AM. As it was, he was awake from 2 until 4 and slept until 9 this morning. Boy wonder is not quite ready for sleepovers at Papa's house.

So instead of laying around, I am washing rugs(someone's neglected dog is PEEING on my carpet, and it's not my dog!), laundry, mopping, and cleaning up. A

Adulthood is lame, ya'll!

Camping

How many people does it take to put up a tent?

There is no need for pants when you have on cute cloth diapers.

Relaxing with dada. Probably trying to convince him that he needs a cup for tea, since Mama said no more after the first night when he tossed and turned and fell straight off the bed.

Compassion

Whomever said that Internet is an asshole has clearly not read the comments on this post.

It's so nice to see strangers doing something great for a family in need.

CS and I went to Blue Mesa last weekend. Jacob almost prevented us from going by getting a 100 degree fever Thursday, but it only lasted about 24 hours. It was a sad day for little man. I gave him Tylenol and cuddled him. He took three naps and ate almost nothing. It was sad to watch my bouncing baby defeated and mopey. Friday morning he was better so we decided to head out after his nap. Luckily, he was still sick or the three hour car ride would have been misery. As it was, he only made it to Monarch Pass before the fever, the car ride, and the altitude made him throw up all over himself as we were coming down the pass. It was gross. I'm glad he'd only had juice and a few french fries and not the hamburger I tried to feed him. It didn't help that when CS and Jacob got out of the car to clean up, mosquitos decided to attack and eat them alive.

We stayed in a little cabin at the "resort" and did a whole lot of nothing. We took the 4-wheelers out once, but I almost tipped mine coming back down. I thought it was in Low and it was in High so I couldn't stop. I started screaming and putting all my weight into the brake. I got it to stop but I let CS drive it down the rest of the hill while I walked with Jacob. Next time we will have a lesson before I attempt to go down a hill with sharp, brain crushing rocks all over the place.

There was a pool we could play in and Jacob has learned how to float and swim while wearing water wings. He also attempted to jump off the ledge into my arms and ended up on his bottom on the concrete. We're working on that! But he can swim across the pool without holding on to me so I think we're making progress. Can't wait till next week, when his swim lessons start! Except that I have to get in the pool with him and I really just want to sit and talk to the mom's of older kidlets.

I'll post some pictures of the "camping" but most of them are failed attempts to capture the awesomeness of coals so I may have to spare you that.

Bullet Points Before Bed

*I got fabric today. I have a quilt to make for my mom. Never mind the fact that MY quilt isn't finished and I can't get the quilting part down. I think I have to take mine back and get a different one, I'm pretty sure what it's doing isn't normal.

*I made cookies yesterday and somehow the oven that's never warm enough burnt a whole pan of them.

*CS's brother made a snide comment on Facebook about how hard it is to see a dirty pan sitting out when it needs to be cleaned so he was going to put it into his bedroom and store it with the knives that we are no longer allowed to use. I'm refraining from commenting back about the linguine and sauce he left sitting on the counter for a few days because that's just bitchy. But I will be going to the storage unit tomorrow and getting my own pots and pans and knives out. Which I will then leave on the counter, dirty and taking up space for at least three days.

*CS and I went geocaching today and it was oddly exciting. It seems like it's a nerdy thing to do, but really it's not. We are looking for treasure! And today, we found two matchbox cars for Jacob. That's some pretty sparkly treasure right there. One car was a Mercedes! Score! (However, I suck at reading coordinates)

*I'm leaving for Ohio in a week and I'm getting very nervous. I wish CS could come with me, because I'm sad he doesn't get to meet everyone and I'm a little terrified to leave him. Things have been really good and there is no reason for me to think that he will do anything I wouldn't approve of but I'm nearly incapacitated over it sometimes. I've always had a hard time leaving him, mostly because I worried he wouldn't be able to take care of himself and the dog but now I have the added stress of wondering if he's going to be at the bar and after the bar, will he go home and what if she texts him? It's hard and I hate how i feel. I wish I could lock my emotions into a part of my brain and not revisit them but I am not like that. I feel everything.

*I have an interview with the principal of the middle school for a teaching position for 7th grade language arts. I am worried because I have to describe my perfect classroom and explain my ideas and policies. I have no idea if they will even consider me without a certificate but I'm going to try. I have to get a few letters of recommendation and I think that will be tricky since the Hobbs teachers are probably trying to deal with their end of the year stress and asking for a letter as soon as possible isn't very nice. I knew I should have asked before I left New Mexico.

*Jacob is getting his second two year molar. Maybe this explains some of his crab claw-ness. He also cried for two hours in his crib the other night and refused to sleep unless he was next to me. I really didn't think he would be able to cry it out for that long. Boy is stubborn.

Darkness Is Only As Long As The Day

The trouble with passion
Isn't that it doesn't last
But that it does.

I stole this quote years ago from a much larger poem I found on a daily poetry website. I feel that it sums up everything I feel about being in a relationship, especially when one ends and you're left feeling empty and full of longing.

I know the road back to normalcy is going to be long and fraught with much doubt and mistrust and confusion. You can't fix two months of chaos with one beautiful week. Maybe it won't be as bad as I fear, but we are only human and never do we do things the easy way. I know everyone is wary of this peace we have made. No one wants to see me get hurt. But I believe that great things can happen. I have faith that there is a chance we can move on from this and become those two old people on a porch swing together.

That's not to say that I don't spend a lot of time in a very dark place. On Thursday we took Jacob to the park and I watched CS and Jacob throw rocks into the river while I sat above them and thought about what I have to overcome. I know too much and there is little peace in knowledge. But there would be more anguish in not knowing, at least in my experience. I am morbidly curious, wanting to know what they talked about, what they did, why, why why? Will I ever be free from the images I see when I close my eyes as he kisses me? Will I ever feel peace when I am not with him, knowing that he is waiting for my return as eagerly as I will await his? Spending time with CS this week has been like a return to the life we had before pregnancy. We went to town on Monday afternoon and had Sonic, sitting in his truck, drinking a malt and stealing tator tots while Jacob played with CS's brother and sister. Later, I found on of her cigarettes in his truck. He threw it out and I was reminded on the very first fight we had. It was over me joking that I may have let his boss's wife smoke in the truck when we went on a beer run. I never would have let her but CS didn't think it was funny and we fought. Silly now, but I remember sobbing over it. So in a very raw moment between CS and me, I hated to find evidence of her. I hate watching my fiancee and our son play together at the park, doing what I always thought having a baby with him would entail but being preoccupied with knowledge of what they did in bed, what she likes, what he did. He was mine and I thought that we were each other's last. I have a ring on my finger to prove it. But I also know that I left him and maybe all of this is what he did because of what I did. You don't leave the man you love if you can't stand to lose him. Maybe as much as I wish he hadn't ever touched her, he wishes I had never packed that first box.

I want to feel more at peace as time goes on. I want to start over and make a family. I want to go to bed together, with our baby tucked between us and put my cold feet under his legs. Jacob has started to prefer Dada, even refusing to let me put him to bed the other night. Dada held him and comforted him when Jacob sprayed his face with bleach and they had to flush it out. And I am the one CS calls and texts. I am the one who sits next to him and we watch clips on YouTube of our favorite comedians and shows on Hulu. I'm wearing his ring and he tells me he loves me. Anything can be overcome with love, would you agree?

Moving (On)

Yesterday morning I woke up and thought about whether or not I should discuss the fact that I gave out my number to the very friendly waiter I had on Friday and the plans we made to go out to lunch someday when he called me on Saturday. I know CS still read this and while I had made it clear to him that I wasn't interested in anyone else, I wasn't going to try and be cruel by taunting him with how I might move on. I had asked him to stop talking to me on Friday afternoon because I was no longer capable of arguing over what I saw versus what he said it meant. It was madness and I just wanted it to stop. We broke up, he didn't want me, I was tired of fighting.

I went to dinner with my friend and our waiter was very nice. He told me that I could let Jacob run around and they would watch him for me. He commented on how hard it is to go to dinner without the other parent present, following up with an "I'm single, so I know" comment. My friend insisted that I leave him my number, whipping out paper and pen and writing him a message so he would know it was "from me" and not her.

He called the next day and we talked. He asked me questions about what I did and how old I was and I answered while thinking about how surreal it was. I was struck with how hard dating seemed and how nice it would be to just get this part out of the way. Just skip the dating and slip right into a relationship. It doesn't work that way, apparently.

Sunday morning, after we got back from church and the kids were playing in the yard, CS texted me and asked if I was still in church. I told him where I was and he responded by asking if my mom was there. I knew then that he wasn't just asking to see Jacob. He called me and for the first few minutes there was silence, broken by me asking if he was there and talking. Finally I shut up. He said he was sorry. Sorry for being the biggest dumbass in the world. That he loved me. All he wants is to be with me, for me to be his girlfriend and fiancee. He said he will be the man that he was when we met, fell in love, and decided to have a baby.

I honestly thought I would never hear any of this from him. Never. At this point, it's the only thing he could do to attempt to win me back. Because, of course, I want to make it work. We have a baby. We have a timeline for another one. We were going to get married. Our future was made with each other in it and we have a baby to think about. We don't just get to walk away and start over.

The End

I wrote this a few days ago when I didn't know what I was going to do about CS. I've since confronted him and we have ended the relationship. He denies that everything I read on his phone happened. Instead of letting me read them, he repeatedly threw his phone against the wall until it shattered into pieces. A man who has nothing to hide does not destroy his one saving grace.


This is what I know.

I know that Chris and I are trying to work it out. We have been spending most of the days together and a few nights this weekend. We have been intimate. I am wearing my ring again and he says he wants me to, albeit maybe not as an engagement ring. We are affectionate to each other. He won’t say “I love you” but he wants to hear it. He doesn’t know if he’s in love with me. He’s hurt because I left. He has not moved on, he does not want to be with another woman, he has not slept with her. They are just friends and when they talk via text, it’s been about Chris and I. She’s curious about how it’s going with us. They are just friends. They never slept together. She only kissed him once. He didn’t take her to the Fireman’s Ball. They didn’t have their hands all over each other. She is not a skank.

This is what else I know.

He thinks she has nice tits, cute ass, long legs, pretty face and a great sense of humor. He thinks he might be falling in love with her. His reasons for staying in Florence are: her, class, the fire department, his grandma. They’ve talked about him living with her when he has to move out of the house we lived in. He gets jealous when other men flirt with her at the bar. He was jealous again when he saw a text from the other man she’s talking to on the Thursday morning he claimed to be sleeping at a friend’s house. She’ll put her whole self in a relationship with him. She’s waiting for him to make a decision. He wishes he didn’t have to make such a hard choice.


Here is what I don’t understand.

Why is he lying to me? He doesn’t believe that you can love two people at one time. To me it seems simple. Her or me. A life with a local bar skank for a few months or a hard won life with your family. Is it that hard?

Either he will decide to take the easy way out and start over with her or he will have to struggle to make a family with me. If he chooses her, he will lose me and he will lose Jacob. I will not sit by and watch him degrade himself like this and put Jacob through a string of relationships. I will move. I will leave. And I will take my son with me. I believe he knows this. When I first started dating him, it took us three months to say I love you. I do not believe that he has gone from wanting me to be his wife to in love with another woman in six weeks. I believe that I hurt him deeply by leaving and his defense was to find someone else. He knows if he tells me that he slept with her, that I will probably leave him but I’m not sure if I will.

As of now, it is over. I did not make up what I saw. I even showed his mom when I was looking at the phone. He cannot lie to my face that I am making things up. I am not stupid. My father was a cheater and a manipulator, I am not naive in these things. I do not have to make a relationship work when the other side is cultivating a back up plan. I do not share my lover and I do not compete with another woman. I am amazing. I am the best thing he ever had. I do not deserve what I was given in return.

Cheater, Cheater, Pumpkin Eater

When CS and I first started dating, and I decided to move with him to New Mexico, I told my mom that he would never leave me and he would never cheat on me. I was coming off of a relationship where I was monogamous and he was most likely not, though I never heard or saw anything concrete. CS is convinced that his ex-wife cheated on him throughout their marriage and he's adamant that we would break up if I ever cheated on him. He even told me that it was unacceptable for people in relationships to cultivate friendships with members of the opposite sex. That nothing good could come from a situation where people would be compelled to cheat. To an extent, I agree with him. I think people within a relationship can be friends with others in a relationship, even have bonding between the sexes but mostly in a group setting. However, I do not have any male friends that I speak to on a regular basis. If I call a man, it's with an agenda in mind. I need my computer fixed, I need my car serviced, I want to get a job. I don't visit a bar and see who I can befriend. I don't email old classmates and catch up. My friends are mostly stay at home mom's and we get together with our children. We don't go out and drink. I feel like I have respected the line between aquanitence and friends. I've never been in a situation where I would wonder if CS would feel threatened if he knew what I was doing.

Then I find myself in this ugly place. Walking into a bar and seeing the man whose baby I just rocked to sleep sitting at the bar with a woman. When confronted he tells me that he doesn't know why her name is on his call log, then he admits to calling her but only because she is the only bartender that serves cold beer there. I doubted the validity of this statement at the time but I had nothing to go on. Until now, when I find out that he had emailed her to tell her he wasn't ignoring her, that he'd been unable to get away from the house but that he would see her on Wednesday, for sure.

This was all before I walked into the bar and saw him there with her. My fiancee was emailing a single woman, telling her he hadn't been able to get away (FROM HIS FAMILY) to get together with her. He was making plans to see another woman when by his own admission, that is not acceptable for a man in a relationship.

Last week I got an email reminder that our cell phone bill is ready. I opened it to find over $50 in extra fees. CS has been texting her so much that he went over his limit of 1500 outside texts by over 500. Meanwhile, he's also texting me things that are more like boyfriend/girlfriend than just updates on the baby.

I thought we were working toward fixing our relationship. I thought he was a gentleman. Sure, I know I left and that means I can't dictate who he talks to and what he does. But if he's interested in getting his family back, then talking to another woman is not in his best interest. I feel heartbroken and devastated. Did he not think I wouldn't find out? That I am too stupid to understand? I don't know if he thinks that he's hiding it, but everyone knows. His very polite, easy going dad commented that he didn't know why CS was wasting his time with M, she's just a skank. I'm not sure either, since she's the kind of woman CS has often acted disgusted to be with. He always says he never wanted to be "Just Add Dad."

Friday night he was at the bar and we texted throughout the evening. He was upset again, angry at me for leaving. He wants me to make the first move, prove to him that I want to be with him before he will do anything to fix why I left in the first place. Obviously, I can't do this. He is the only person who thinks that I was wrong to leave. Even his family supports me in this decision. I am not the bad guy. But to him I am the one who ruined our family. I just have to wonder how much a family there was left to ruin, since the man who wanted to marry me was starting to create a friendship with a single woman and leave me at home with our son.

I was wrong all along.

Look Away! Trainwreck!

This has been a really strange weekend. One minute I feel normal and the next I'm fighting the urge to text CS and ask him if he's watching the really strange Olympic sport I never knew existed (men on skis stopping to shoot at targets) and then I remember I'm not supposed to do that anymore. I've never initiated the break up, merely been the one to watch it fall apart and powerless to stop it. I don't like it much on this side of things either.

I packed on Friday and took my first load of boxes to my mom's while CS slept. He must not have known I had started packing until he got out of bed around 6 PM. He was angry I was leaving and I was angry he had been at the bar the night before with someone who was not me. He denies that he was there with her and while there is evidence against that, I do believe that he wasn't cheating on me physically but he was certainly in the wrong place, at the wrong time with the wrong person. He did not need to be at the bar for the third time that week when I was at home, putting our son to bed. His life is not so stressful that he needs to get out of the house for a beer that often. Our life is stressful, granted, but buying beer with a credit card is not the way to solve our problems.

He thinks I left because I wanted out and finding him at the bar, next to a woman, is just my excuse and I've spun a story of lies to make it ok for me to go. To be clear, I didn't leave just because I found him at the bar and thought he might be cheating on me. I left for much more than that. I left because we can't communicate anymore and any attempts are through text messaging and a chorus of "whatever" and "nothing." He and I haven't gone to sleep together on a regular basis in over a year. He stays up all night and sleeps all day while I get up and take care of Jacob and try to cobble some sort of normal life out of pennies. I know the economy is hard and his trade isn't in high demand here but that is no excuse for what he's done when he isn't working. I no longer understand his motive and I lacked the energy to pour myself into building him up. I do not understand low self-esteem but I know that I cannot make him have it. I'm sure it's hard not to be able to provide for your family but giving up is not an option.

We've moved into my mom's now and things are somewhat settled. It's so surreal to me to be here. I keep forgetting that this shit really happened and now I have to retrain myself to be alone. There is no one to sit next to in silence as we watch TV. There is no one around when I put jacob to bed at 10 PM. It's quiet and dim and all there is to do is go to bed. I've forgotten what it's like to be alone. Even though I'm choosing this, there is no joy here. I am still broken.

Defining Moments: Engagements

I woke up before Jacob did on Christmas morning. This isn't unusual, since he can sleep until 10 some mornings. But this morning I was ancy, waiting for him to wake up so he could go open his box of Cheetos. First we woke up CS, where he was sleeping on the couch because there isn't enough room for us on the full sized bed at my mom's. Then we woke up Gramma and put on a kettle of hot water. Chris put on Christmas music and started putting gifts in piles. We let Jacob open most of his at once, waiting in between each one so he could enjoy them before ripping open a new one. The box containing his bag of Cheetos was the biggest hit. He started jumping up and down, squealing and signing "more" when he saw the bag. Then everything had a residue of orange dust on it. My brother got him a mini ball pit that required being blown up without a pump and I'm proud to admit that I did it without getting lightheaded or passing out.


After Jacob was secure in his ball pit lair and watching his new DVD of The Best of Elmo, we started opening our gifts from each other. I got CS a kit for making beer since he never gets to buy it now. He got me an iTunes card. There was also a construction calculator, a KitchenAid mixing bowl, a knitted cowl, a pillow, and small things in our stockings. Christmas in a recession is a lot more practical now.



After all the paper was cleaned up, Jacob, mom and I were playing with his toys and CS went out to his truck. When he came back in, he handed me a little gold box with a white bow. I was surprised, as the last thing I was expecting was a little jewelry type box. I tried to open the bow and ended up ripping it off before CS showed me how to peel the bottom part off. Once I got to the white hinged box, I popped it open and there was a diamond ring. My mom was exclaiming "oh my gosh" and I can't even remember what I said. I think there was gasping on my part. Then CS got down on one knee, right next to the ball pit and asked me if I'd marry him. I said yes, and eventually remembered to kiss him. He told me about the ring and got me a little sizer so it wouldn't fall off my finger.



So we are engaged. It's very surreal and since I can't get my ring back until Wednesday, it seems even less likely that I will be planning a wedding soon. You never know when those defining moments of your life are going to spring up on you.

I'd leave you with a picture of the two of us and the ring but I have none. There is one somewhere out there, but I will have to track it down. I hope your Christmas morning was as much fun as ours!

Self-Medicating

Tonight requires a glass of wine. I'd have more, but it'd just mean I need to go to bed so one will do.

Today was actually quite lovely for most of the day. I got up early and went over to finish my jewelry order. I ended up getting everything I wanted except one bracelet! Somehow, I got $180 in free jewelry instead of $150. I had to spend a little to get what I wanted but it's ok! I used my Wells Fargo card as a Goodbye, I'll miss you much present.

After my jewelry orders were placed, I left for a playdate still buzzing from all those sparkly things I will be getting next week. Jacob was kind of a pill because he doesn't know how to SHARE and he was hungry but after feeding him some chicken nuggets and pizza, he took a nap. And fell off the bed. But he was fine! He went back to sleep and took a long nap; where he woke up much happier although still without the ability to share. It was nice to sit and talk to my friend while her little one slept and her older one watched cartoons. We swapped labor stories and talked about vaccines and working. It's nice to have real friends again!

In the evening, we went over to CS's house because his grandma is up for the holiday. Mostly I watched TV in the basement as they are undertaking a huge redecoration/remodel at the moment and 4 people is too many in one small room in my opinion. Plus, I feel huge tension whenever I'm in a room with his mom so I just take myself elsewhere. I offered to make scones for breakfast tomorrow and I was met with absolute silence so I guess that's a no?

I know I need to take some responsibility for the demise of the relationship between his mom and me but we really need to not live in the same house. I am angry, hurt, I miss my boyfriend and our son misses his daddy. I want to get up in the mornings and lay with CS and Jacob and watch cartoons without having to go upstairs to his room. I want to fall asleep next to him and know that he's stiff from sleeping with our baby too. His mom has stolen six months of our lives together and why? Because God told her too? I don't understand.

Now, I'm here at my mom's. Alone. Because CS wants to spend time with his grandma and my baby is sleeping. My family is all over the place this year. Tomorrow, I will wake up with Jacob and we will be alone. No one will be here to greet us. There is nothing here for me to cook or prepare. I didn't offer to prepare anything tomorrow because my recipes are considered unusual and odd at his house and I'm not making something for everyone to avoid.

I don't understand how things have progressed to this point. How I feel so trapped and helpless. Where did I go so wrong? What have I done to deserve this?

I'll be back tomorrow. I'll be thankful, I promise. Here is my reason: