Spammy Spam

Well.

I was going to be nice and turn the Word Verification notice off my comments so you didn't have to do that one extra step to leave one but not 10 minutes after I did that, I got a spam comment.

On the post about having to put the dog down.

Ya'll are sick and wrong!

Why Health Insurance Is On My To Do List

Jacob took a three hour plus nap this afternoon. He needed it, as he woke me up before 8 AM this morning. He slept for two hours in bed, then when he woke up crying I got him and rocked him back to sleep. He slept on me while I watched DVRed Desperate and Ellen for an hour or so. After my arm was numb and the shows were over, I got up and he continued to sleep in the arm chair, resting his upper body on the arm rest and turning his head every so often. He didn't wake when I took his picture nor when my cell phone rang and I left the room to take the call from the Family Planning Services as they informed me that I had an abnormal Pap and I tested positive for HPV. Which means I technically have an STD! And I've been tested for those. MORE THAN ONCE. Not because I am excessively trampy, but because I think it's smart to test and clearly I just proved myself correct. I have never had an abnormal pap and I've been tested since I was 16 or so. I've had at least two STD screenings and possibly a third. And all of them since I started seeing CS. If it wasn't clear before, CS and I are in a committed monogamous relationship so there should be no surprises here. Although he tells me that HPV can sit and hide for a long time without being detected and if that's true then I'm going to be pretty disappointed that I do not get to blame someone. Specifically, I want to be able to point at CS and bemoan the fact that he gave me an STD because I'm mean like that. (Also, KIDDING about blaming, in case sarcasm doesn't come across.) (Not really sorry, because if it's not him then I have no idea who to blame.)

So now I have to go in for a colposcopy, which means I need to get on Medicaid because I don't have an extra $300 lying around for someone to stick a large magnifying glass into my lady bits and check for cells. If I did have an extra $300, CS would either take it for his truck payment or I would have to buy new tires and the part to fix my 4-wheel drive. So, healthcare! I need it, and so does Jacob. I guess it's good to have a reason to finally fill out the paperwork, instead of putting it off until something major comes up again. I am the mother of a very strong willed, active little boy. Who has a tendency to mess around on the stairs in a very dangerous manner lately.

The good news is that it's early and this is still mostly precaution and that the strain of HPV showing up is generally defeated by your body in two years. I'm annoyed that I have to deal with it, but I'm not scared of it. I wish I had insurance, as this is going to make my "pre-existing conditions" a pain in the future but maybe soon we won't have to deal with such nonsense.

I hope you will think of me and say a prayer or send good thoughts. It's never fun to think of something lurking in your body and not being able to just have it taken away with a pill or cream or waiting it out.

Welcome! Now Go To Your Room.

I'm twitching every time a loud firework goes off because Jacob is sleeping and if this shit wakes him up, I am going to go postal on the neighbors and cover their stash with fire extinguisher goo. This is the downside to being close to other people in a small town. Everyone is out on the street, shooting off fireworks. My mom's house is way out in the country and we don't have many people lighting fireworks and if they did, it's at least half a mile down the road. Puts a damper on the popping noises.

So we are back in Colorado and we have moved in with CS's parents. Ya'll, if I make it through this? I need fucking MEDAL.

I've never understood CS's relationship with his parents, as well as the relationships between his siblings and their parents. Most people I know have gotten to the point where their parents are on the same level as friends. I realize not everyone is as close to their mom's as I am to mine, but I generally see my peers in a much more mature relationship with their parents at this point. But the relationships that CS's and his siblings have with their parents must still be in the teenage years. And their youngest child is 24. Remember when you were a teenager and you didn't tell your parents about a boyfriend because you couldn't date or you skipped work because you stayed out too late the night before, etc. because you didn't want to get in trouble? This is what I liken their relationship to. Their kids don't tell the parents about the details in their lives because they will still get in trouble. Not grounded, obviously, but they make them feel like their actions are a disappointment to how they were raised. So the children lie to them and avoid certain situations because their parents cannot accept that they are adults. And as adults, they have the opportunity to make choices that their parents might approve of or think unwise. But they should be able to do so without fear that their parents are going to be upset. Did my mom want me to move to NM with CS? Probably not. Did she want me to have a baby with him? Not really. But she's never made me feel like a disappointment to her for choosing those things.

But I never understood why CS and his siblings choose to pretend about certain things or keep secrets until now. CS's parents are making CS and I sleep in separate rooms. Never mind that we have a fucking BABY, or that we have lived together for two years now. Never mind that I signed the common law form to get health insurance, something that most gays and lesbians are fighting for, correct? His parents believe that it goes against their moral values to allow us to stay here and sleep in the same room. I am 25 and CS is 29. Surely they must know that we are going to continue to have sex under their roof. But the privilege of sharing a bed openly is not ours.

I tried to talk to his mom about it because when she first talked to me, she wasn't sure if that rule still applied since OBVIOUSLY we've had sex, and we are adults, we live like we are married. So when the "house rule" came up, I thought that I could present my opinion on it and have it taken into consideration. WRONG. It doesn't matter that CS and I haven't been on the same schedule for 10 months now, and that I'd like to be able to have some time alone with him. Even though we came very close to ending our relationship less than two weeks ago. It doesn't matter that CS will be able to sleep alone and never have to worry about waking Jacob up with his loud alarm for work. He will never be there for weekend mornings when Jacob pounces on us. There will be no leaky diapers in his bed or crying fits at 3 AM. Since we are not married, we cannot share a room and we cannot be a family. Because of their Values and Morals. Which apparently I insulted by questioning the rules.

But I call Bullshit. This could also be attributed to the fact that his mom doesn't understand why we are not married, and thus it's a good push toward being married if we want to have one bedroom. Also, she blames us for her daughter living with her boyfriend. We are a bad influence.

I am so thankful that I do not have parents like this. I am so grateful that my mother does not rest her personal morals on laurels and force them onto me. I am so glad that I never have to lie to her or hide what I'm doing. That I am accepted in all my flaws because I am her child and she loves me. I hope I can be that kind of mama to Jacob.

Grumpygills

I'm pretty sure that I'm totally against CS's job right now. This is a bad thing for me to express given the fact that we NEED him to have a job or I have to go back to work next month. He cannot quit this job without having a new one to go to immediately. However, I have my reasons.

#1: It takes him away from us.
#2: They don't actually pay that well when he's not away on a job.
#3: He missed his flight because he was called to the jobsite this morning to fix something and when he went to get his boarding pass, the airline charged him $75 that he had to put on MY CARD because the company card didn't work.
#4: He flew into Denver tonight and no one was scheduled to pick him up, nor was a car dropped off for him in advance. So guess who has to go get him? (Not from Denver, I just have to meet him in Colorado Springs because a co-worker is picking him up.)
#5: See above-All Reasons.

I am not aspiring to have buckets full of money like we did in New Mexico when he worked all the time and made a fortune an hour. I don't need a lot of money. It doesn't make me happy. I just save it. Which actually makes me happier than spending it. Anyways. I just want to feel comfortable with what we have. I want a place to live, money to pay the bills and buy the food without worrying that we can't afford that kind of juice or two boxes of cereal. I want to fill up my gas tank and buy a decaf coffee once in a while. I'm not looking to own fancy baby toys or pretty clothes from JCrew. I just don't want to be so damn broke anymore.

Rock. Hard Place.

CS and I are in the midst of a dilemma with where our future lies. Where he is working right now does not pay enough to cover our bills, and that's living in my mom's house. However, he does have an opportunity right now to go work in Fort Collins for an amount that covers the major bills but leaves us woefully short for things like gas and food, not to mention rent. Unfortunately, he can't just drive up to Fort Collins to work and drive back here or he would be in the car for 6 hours a day. Not to mention the cost of fuel to do that. And to top it off, he needs new tires. Badly. I don't want to go back to work. The mere thought of it makes me cry. I don't mind doing something on the side, but I can't put my baby in to daycare. This is the most frustrating situation we've been in, made even more frustrating by the fact that this could have all been avoided.

I should start playing the lotto.

I Deal With The Crazy

I took a phone call at work today that could have hurt my feelings but instead made for a twisted sort of amusement. We've been having a lot of problems with companies making ad changes that never get to print and we end up printing the wrong ad and subsequently comping the cost of the ad to make them happy that we fucked up. To offset this, the editor made a decision last week that all ad changes must be in writing from the customer. This isn't hard to do, since we gladly take a short email or fax with a short little change line in it from them. It shouldn't be a problem. Who doesn't have email?

Since this policy has been in place, I've come across two people who seem to think this rule is absolute nonsense and they don't care if it is policy, they want me to work around it and make their changes without putting any effort into it on their part besides the phone call. Who knew people would be so willing to actually pick up a phone to speak to a person when email is so much easier. I got to talk to one of these fools today.

He just wanted two little words added to his ad. Sure, no problem. We can do that. I just need a email or fax along with this to confirm that this change is authorized by you before I can submit that. I couldn't find his paperwork, but I did see the ad in the paper. He didn't have the paper, but was looking at his ad online. But once I asked for him to send in something to me, he lost his shit. He couldn't believe that I would be so stuck on policy to not give in to him and just make the change. He was all over the country, had ten guys out there working on houses, and he couldn't make it up to Globe to make the changes. I told him he didn't need to come to Globe, he could just send me an email. However, he's apparently computer illiterate. Never mind the fact that he was LOOKING AT HIS AD ONLINE. Oops. Of course, I wouldn't call him out on that. But it certainly strengthened my resolve not to allow him to bully me. I don't operate under the motto "the customer is always right" because I believe that being a decent human being trumps any money they are going to throw my way. Man on the phone continues to rant that he doesn't have time, and what do I want? His credit cards? Personal references? Driver's license? I'm pretty sur the straw that broke the camel's back was when I simply said "I just need an email stating your changes" because he screamed like a little girl and hung up on me. Booyah.

Turns out, he only paid for his ad to run two weeks. It didn't run this week. And unless he makes some pretty drastic attitude adjustment, he won't be running his ad via me again.

In reality, I'd like to thank my father for all those conversations where he'd get irrational and angry. Because without those, I'd never had learned how to stay calm in the face of emotional, unstable people. Because that's what they hate the most. I'll be damned before I allow someone to berate me into submission with angry words. Luckily, I have a boss who backed my decision.

Russian Roulette

The other day, I went to the bank to make a deposit for work. I do this all the time. I ran into an woman who used to work at the paper, where she relayed a conversation between her and a young man who works for her paper. This man and I met through the Chamber Dinner we both went to for our papers. Apparently, he told her that I was "very cute" when they were discussing the dinner. Luckily, she told him I was also "very taken" which I'm sure he knew because of that whole baby belly I have going on. And because we talked about the baby and my BF. In any case, it was a nice compliment. Especially when my face is pimply, my stomach is huge and my ankles are starting to swell. "Very cute" is totally something I need to hear.

What I didn't need? FOR MY FUCKING CAR TO DIE when I got to the parking lot of the bank that day. Car was dead. Car tried very hard to start but couldn't. So I left the car there and got a ride back to work. CS and I went down to the bank later and somehow the car started again. I started it up twice more that night, but the next morning? CAR WAS DEAD. And car stayed dead until CS and my brother put in new spark plugs. Then it started up right after they put it all back together. I had my car one day last week, Friday I could start it up and go, go, go. But Saturday afternoon? DEAD. Still dead right now. I tried to start it this afternoon, hoping that it was just a fluke and I could get it started because obviously it's just fucking with me. CS has been reading some mechanics book in an effort to see what's wrong. I'm really hoping to get it started and drive it the hell down the hill to the car shop and get it checked out by someone with car tools and that computer program to run codes.

I'm terribly frustrated because I hate being without a car. Sure, I'm saving gas money. But I also have to rely on other people to get from point A to point B. WTF Car? I was so good to you.

Sleeping House

Well. I have a guest. She is sleeping on the couch. And CS is napping in his chair. Hunter is on the floor at my feet. I just showered, so I'm not all that interested in lying down and mussing my hair. And since Lace is here, we are going out tonight. I don't feel like showering twice in one afternoon. So I'll just sit right here.

I'm feeling very frustrated with myself right now. I feel so uncomfortable with myself and the weight I put on. It's probably not a lot, as I can still put on my jeans I wore constantly, but it's enough that I can tell it's more than just a few pounds. It's enough that I can see it when I look at the pictures we took last night. It just happened, all of the sudden. It makes no sense as I have been working out everyday, a lot harder than I have been for the past few months. You would think that the amount of exercise I get would make up for the extra food intake. I suppose that's it, I've been home and constantly snacking for two weeks. It just doesn't feel like that.

So I'm putting the smack down on snacking. It's not really a diet, as I don't like that word. It more like I will actively avoid food and possibly start running in the evenings.

Fortunately, I got a job so I will be getting out of the house and away from the snacks.

And what's my job? I'm going to go work at the "Starbucks" here in town. I start on Tuesday.