Cousins

A few weeks ago, my brother and his family moved back to CO for a couple of months. The guys were doing some work on the trees at my mom's house and they took the kids for a little ride across the street in an old pick-up truck my Grandpa gave to my brother.

Jacob and Jayden really are the best of friends. It's so cute to see them play together. It gives me hope that Jacob will be like Jayden when he has a sibling!

Carter is slowly becoming more open to being around the family. He was really shy at first and now he will give kisses and talk to you, as long as one of his parents is in the room. He also likes to wrestle with Jacob, which produces much screaming, wail and woe in my baby boy.

Cousins!

Jacob has pretty much abandoned me and CS this weekend in favor of spending time with Jayden. He's doing and saying everything she can. It's terribly cute.

Last night, Jayden was moaning in the backseat of the car about her tummy hurting, so Jacob starts saying "tummy...huuuurt." They were both fine. But I did give Jayden a plastic bag just in case.

I have tons of cousins on my dad's side of the family. Over twenty kids, at least. On my mom's side, we have four. Two of them live in the Midwest so we saw them very rarely. And the other two are are much younger than me, so playing with them wasn't as fun. Jayden is a lot older than Jacob but they are so cute together. She's really come a long way from the mean only grandchild to a very patient cousin. I only wish that Carter could be here to play as well. I think Jacob is doomed to being the much older cousin on CS's side of the family and I don't see anyone else having a baby soon on my side of the family.

Sorry, Jacob. You will never know the craziness of summering with 20 cousins.

Apple A Day

We walked down the street from my mom's house to the apple shed on Sunday.

I'm pretty sure the first apple I ate cured me from my Pioneer Day Celebration (if you know what I mean.) We let Jacob and Jayden ride in the wagon at first, but then I remembered that 6 year-olds have functioning legs and made the big girl walk. I'd already pushed her and Jacob in the stroller so I was a little tired. And sweaty.

This farm does spray their apples, so while there were tons of lovely apples it's kind of a bummer to know they use chemicals.

Jayden offered to pull Jacob back to the store, so I let her. It lasted about 20 yards and she was done. But I left Gramma push the babies back home part of the way. It was downhill though, so she got the easy part.

When I took my farm booty home with me, I had 5 peaches and 4 apples to deal with. The peaches were on their last days so I sliced them up and put them in pie. I used this pie recipe, except I left the creme fraiche out. Partly because I didn't have a day to waste to make the creme fraiche and mostly because CS won't eat it if I do. But I love this recipe because it only calls for one pie crust and it has streusel! I also took a hint from these hand pies and added some bourbon to the peaches. I couldn't really tell it was there, but CS said he could.

We still need to get a box of peaches for jam but hopefully we have time for that! Maybe next year I will attempt to can more than just fruit jam. Maybe by then I will have a pretty little house with a pantry to store it all.

Keep dreaming, I know.

Family Tradition

On Sunday, we went to the Cheyenne Mountain Zoo (for the second time this year) and Jacob had a much better experience! The first time we went in the afternoon, and he only had a 20 minute nap. This time, we went before naptime and he was so much happier and easier to deal with. There was no barricading himself in to the little hut outside the otter exhibit when we asked him to go see the next animals, for one.

Jayden hurt her foot outside the wolf exhibit and sat down to cry and pick at the cut on her foot while refusing to let anyone see it. When Jacob realized she was upset, he ran up to her, tugging at her hand as he said "Wha wong? Wha wong?" and puckering up his lips to give her a kiss. She allowed him to hug her and then he ran off to play in a little wolf den, happy as a clam.

He also shouted "gaff! GAFF! GAFF" as he held out a giraffe cracker for ten minutes while none of them ate any. But he was certainly persistent!

Coming To A Zoo Near You

Today, I took Jayden over to CS's house after church so we could play there for a bit and CS could see Jacob. Since it was so nice outside this afternoon, we were all outside for a bit in the backyard. Jayden was playing on the stepping stones in the gravel between the house and the garage and she stopped hopping for a moment to touch the garage door. The door has peeling paint hanging in strips halfway down the door and Jayden reached out to pull some off. I stopped her and she asked why it was peeling. So I told her werewolves did it. Then, remembering how she is now afraid of the dark and spent half of last night sleeping at the foot of my bed, I asked her if she knew what werewolves were. She said "yes!" and I said "yeah right, where have you seen them?"

"At the zoo."

Peaches, Squash, Yams! Oh My!

Things Jacob will eat: Sweet potatoes, squash, carrots, green beans, peas, pickles, prunes, peaches, pears, bananas, apples, Teddy Grahams, Ice cream sandwiches, fudgesicles, turkey, spaghetti, Ritz crackers.

I'm working on making my own baby food for him. So far I tried peas and green beans but I'm not getting it smooth enough for his tastes. I thought I bought a steamer basket but I think I just bought a colander so I need to pick a real one up this week. I found butternut and acorn squash at Target, of all places, and I have a sweet potato to cook along with them. I have carrots, pears, and peaches to cook down, too! I have ice cube trays ready to go! I just need to get around to cooking it. It helps that I will be out of baby food in jars today so I really have to get on it. ASAP.

Jacob is doing better with sleeping in his crib, last night he slept from 8:30 to 3 AM and then from 3 to 7. Where he woke up for good but it's ok. He went down for a nap a little later which means that I get to shower before 10 AM. I didn't get to go on a walk, but we'll do that later. Although the humidity might kill me dead. I need to get my hair cut SOON or I will always look like a cavewoman because my hair is just TOO big and TOO frizzy. It's terribly gross to me. I have nice hair, and it's just being ruined unless I dump a cup of gel into it in the morning. I refuse to do that because it's expensive. And I'm a snob who refuses to use Suave.

Here's a photo of Jacob and Jayden the last weekend before we left. I put him next to her as she was watching Charlie and Lola, and when I walked back into the room from getting my camera, he was reaching a hand out to touch her face while she tried to swat him off. But she did share when I told her to. And I have evidence of it!

Imagine This

For the last three years, a big part of my life revolved around a little red-headed princess. I didn't get to see her nearly as much as I would have liked and I was constantly thinking about her. She's been the image on my desktop. The image on my cell phone screen. Almost everyone of my contacts in my phone book have a picture that involves her. The only photo in my bedroom is one of her.

I don't think I've loved her like a mother loves a child. But I've loved her more fiercely that I've ever loved someone before. I was devastated when I decided to move away from CO to get out on my own and figure out my life. I felt like I was abandoning her when I should stick around to make sure she never felt excluded from her family. She still breaks my heart when I talk to her and she asks me to come over to Gramma's house.

Is it any surprise, then, that it makes me a little sad to know that in a few weeks I'll have a baby who is going to take over her place in my life. I know I'm going to love my baby endlessly. This baby will soon be the star on my desktop and the photos in my cell phone. I just don't want to feel like I love her any less.

Am Home. Leave Message.

I've been home for a week now and I'm pretty much thinking that it's going by too fast. I mean, two days ago, I thought that Saturday seemed to be so far off I couldn't even think to make plans. And now it's Wednesday and I only have two days to get everything done before I leave on Saturday. I don't wanna go!!!

I had JBelle for the last three days. I got her on Sunday night and I finally returned her (washed and dressed in clean clothing) tonight. Even after I dropped her off, I wondered if maybe I should have kept her for another night because her mom had to go to a meeting at 8:30 so it's not like they were spending any time together. Sheesh! I kid, of course. JBelle has never been away from her mommy for three nights and I think she did remarkably well. Mostly because when I told her that I was taking her back to her mommy tonight, she commenced whining that she "didn't want to go to mommy's" and she "wanted to stay here at Gramma's house and play in the pool." I felt bad about this sudden desire to be with Auntie Jess over mommy, since last time I was home, JBelle almost had a meltdown when she talked to her mom on the phone because she missed her so much after ONE day. Now, I keep her three days? Piece of cake, let's get back in the pool. I almost don't regret moving away. She misses me so much that I get showered with love and favoritism when I come home that it almost makes the months between bearable.

She's also in love with the baby belly. She kisses it in the mornings, and routinely puts her hands on my belly and says "she's sleeping" or "I think she's kicking!" The baby is also named Zella, and I expect you to address her as so. JBelle never wavers on the "GIRL" position. My baby has been a girl since I pointed my belly out to her the night of the circus and she named her Zella. JBelle also has a baby in her tummy, named Cinderella. Note the overwhelming flattery. I may come back every month just to be admired to openly. Children. So refreshing.

Grown Up

Please tell me how she went from this:
















To this:

Safari Barbie

Ever seen a Barbie in the middle of the African Plain wearing a cheerleader skirt? Maybe holding a hamster? (Hamster not pictured.)

One of the most dramatic moments of JBelle's over Christmas was when she received her first gift of the season before Christmas morning. It was a stuffed giraffe in a gift bag and when she pulled it out, she immediately put her chin on her chest and her hands down by her sides, a look of abject disappointment on her face and she said, "All I wanted was a Barbie."

Merry Christmas- Ebay Style

I have a large collection of Littlest Pet Shop toys from when I was young and collected such things. I have quite a few. Not all of them, but pretty close. At one point, they all had names and they lived in an old, wooden CD case. They each had a bed, or a bed mate and a bed to share. Blankets, pillows, rugs. All put together by my 11 year old hands. I kept it up for months after I stopped playing with them. I could never bring myself to toss them in a bag to Goodwill. So I put them in a little gymnastics's bag, packed them into a storage bin, and pull them out occasionally.

I had a grand plan to buy a doll house this Christmas and give the house plus all my Pet Shop toys to JBelle. But then I started thinking about how much I don't want them to get lost and how I'd love to be able to give them to my children. So I've decided to keep the Pet Shop animals of my youth for a later date. But I felt guilty for not giving them to Belle, when I know she would love them! Which lead me to Ebay! They have a lot of the newer, ghetto, bubble headed Pets and I refuse to buy those. But I've found a few sets of the original Pets and placed a few bids. Hopefully, I can win them. I hate Ebay and how people sneak in right at the end and win it while you aren't paying attention. It's not like I have a job that allows me to play online all day! Kids must be squashed into submission! I have to stand in the halls to prevent fights! Not watch Ebay all day long!

Except times like now. And all of last period where I texted CS.

Got Tattoos?

We sure did.

MeL Jayden, where did you get those tattoos?
Jayden: At a bar!
Melanie: You're so fired.
Jayden: Whatever, Dweeb!

My Bangin' Suit

Me: Jayden, what are you wearing?
Jayden: My bangin' suit.
Me: And did you put sunscreen on?
Jayden: Yeah, I put sunscream on.

She would also like a Princess Shooting Gun. Thank goodness her birthday is eleven months away! I don't know if we could find a shooting gun in a Disney princess theme. I should google that.

Speaking of banging suits, I'm having issues with my body. Last night at Wal-Mart, I weighed myself on a scale in the bathroom aisle. And it read: 140. Where I yelled "Ew" and pulled another one off the shelf. 140. I am not happy with this weight. In my body's defense, I did spend about two months with limited exercise and a very bad diet. Only in the past two weeks have I settled into a routine that involves walking 2.5 miles a day and healthy eating. And this is also the "rebound" weight from having my tonsils out. I didn't want to stay at the 120 I was three weeks post surgery, but I didn't want to put on 15 pounds. Although, I did weigh myself at night, rather than in the morning, so I bet at least 5 pounds could be taken off for that. Right?

In any case, my bangin' suit needs some hard work out time. And a yoga DVD.

Ya'll Are Just Haters.

I'm at the only coffee place in town that serves Starbucks. Hobbs doesn't have an actual Starbucks establishment; the Pacific Rim just serves as an outlet for Starbucks' business. Much like the St. Cloud Hotel in Canon. I'm actually at a coffee bar, and I can see about 50 bottles of Yellow Tail Chardonnay behind the counter.

I started coming here for the wireless as well as the Starbucks. I adore Starbucks coffee. It is the only coffee I can drink with no cream, just some sugar. And I prefer it to be a dark roast. Apparently, that's the first step in admitting I have a "coffee problem." Ok, ok, I have a problem. I love coffee. And I've been without for days. But I do have English Breakfast Tea at home, so I've been handling the withdrawals well.

Last night we ventured out to the casino/race track for the evening with a few people. The casino has an All You Can Eat Seafood Buffet, which really translates to All You Can Eat Snow Crab Legs and Maybe Some Cocktail Shrimp. I truly think buffets are the bane of society and what's wrong with America. Then I ate about 14 crabs. I suppose that I would place fast food on a lower level of evil than buffets as buffets usually have actual vegetables included, but still. It's wasteful and unnecessary. Kind of like dining halls at college!

I have an interview for the library on Monday. I suppose it's slightly wretched of me to go into an interview when I haven't told them that I am not able to work the hours they have posted on the position. But it's also a library, and from what I've seen, they are usually flexible with schedules. I'm not sure how that works if your reason for not being able to work is because you want to actually see your live in boyfriend sometime and also you don't actually need money, you just need a hobby.

Hi, I'm a 24 year old Homemaker!

Oh, wait. I'm only 23. But just for another 2 weeks.

I did find out that we are coming back to Colorado for Labor Day. I have no idea of that's what CS had in mind when he told me they were off for Labor day, but my immediate response was "Can we go home?" Perhaps you can't say no to that kind of thing. Which thank god, because I really want to talk to JBelle. Today on the phone she told me she was going to eat Superman Yogurt and I thought she said "some yogurt" so I asked what kind of yogurt. And she repeated it slowly for me, but in a tone of exasperation. Like "S-u-p-e-r-m-a-n Yogurt, Jessi. Are you not being a good listener right now?" Sometimes the enormity of what I've done hits me, and I realize that though I didn't move to Ohio I did move far enough away that I am not a presence in her life anymore. And that I might not be for years. Some days, that's really hard to face.

Dark Days

The past few days have had me feeling out of sorts. I suspect it's mostly tiredness, since I stayed out till 4 AM for four days, but there are a few things that contributed to the gloom. It's interesting to me that I can pinpoint my emotions and be somewhat detached from them. I can analyze them, and function on a basic level even while obsessing over them.

We got Jayden on Sunday night and ran a few errands afterwards. (Target!) While in Target, Jayden decided she had to pee and instead of informing us, she peed on the floor in the dairy section. When we went to check out, she said she had to pee again and we took her seriously this time. On our way back from the bathroom, I was carrying her and she had her arms wrapped around my neck and she said "I missed you." What's she going to do when I move to Ohio? What am I going to do with out her? She's my little playmate, I'm never tired of her and I work around children all the time and frequently hate them. I have a song I sing to Hunter and I started singing it to JBelle this weekend. I say "Who is my loave?" and she sings back "I am" or "I am your love." At dinner, her mom's BF started talking about how she says "actually" a lot and in the right context. Mom and I looked at each other and I said "I say that a lot, don't I" and she responded "All the time."

And all of you say, "I know. It's going to be hard. But it will be ok." And it's not. It never will be ok. I will miss out on so much. Here is a little girl who is a part of me. She is my niece. Sure, she's friendly and adorable to strangers and acquaintances. But when she sees me, it's something else. She loves me, and that was no easy trust to forge. She is my love.

So it's hard to accept the fact that I am moving away from her. When I have the option to stay here. That I am giving it up because "it's best for me." That's so fucking selfish. Her father is a complete failure, and I am her family. And I want to move away? It's just frustrating to me. There is no right place for me to go. I'm trapped again.