Life In A Small Town

Tonight, we went to the football game for the old high school I went to freshman year. Granted, the school has a new, shiny building so it's not the exact spot where I once attended games, clad in a jersey of the player I was dating, but still the same name and the blue and gold colors. And it made me want to bemoan my life to one of my friends but I couldn't because I knew she'd just say "you chose it" and I'd have to agree.

When I went with CS to his 10 year reunion at Manhattan's (now Kate's) where I used to work on Wednesday and Saturday (and where I hung out on a nightly basis if we're being honest) the DJ asked me why I was back when I had left with such big plans. Of course, the truth of the matter is that I didn't exactly choose this plan. I mean, I did by choosing to stay with CS and his decision brought us back here. I could have stayed behind in multiple places, everywhere we have gone I want to stay because I get attached. I love being back home, and seeing my mom and my friends here. But I love to leave. After being here too long, I want to go. I've lived here long enough and I'd love nothing more than to pack it all up and go back to Alabama, Arizona, New Mexico, Ohio. Or even somewhere new. I wish we had that option now. But CS's job promises to keep getting better. I wish it would get better faster so we could live on our own and get past this awful stage. But CS can't quit his job because he needs it so we just have to wait for them to follow through on the myriad of promises they have given. It sucks, I hate it. I hate not being able to pay the bills because they won't pay him the amount they told him. But at least he has a job he likes and that he goes to, everyday. Even on a holiday weekend. I hate living where we do and the minute he gets his raise, we are moving to our own house. Where we can all sleep in the same bed together, and the dog can join us. I'm just trying to get through this phase. Hopefully, we move into a phase where things are easier. Where I can get past the fact that I'm living in the same place I have been trying to escape since I was 16. Sometimes, I look at my life and wish I could go back in time and tell myself not to make the same choices. To avoid all the bad things that have happened and make my life easier. Hindsight is a bitch. Part of me has such a hard time with my life because I have spend the last year at home with Jacob. I haven't been making my own money and taking care of myself. I've been relying on CS to do it, and there's a lot of trust in giving over all the things that I was proud of and now it seems like my life is in shambles and I can't put it back together without giving my son up during the day.

I try not to let myself dwell on these things, but after a bad day, sometimes it's hard to forget. But there is always tomorrow, as long as the baby lets me sleep past 6 AM.

Welcome! Now Go To Your Room.

I'm twitching every time a loud firework goes off because Jacob is sleeping and if this shit wakes him up, I am going to go postal on the neighbors and cover their stash with fire extinguisher goo. This is the downside to being close to other people in a small town. Everyone is out on the street, shooting off fireworks. My mom's house is way out in the country and we don't have many people lighting fireworks and if they did, it's at least half a mile down the road. Puts a damper on the popping noises.

So we are back in Colorado and we have moved in with CS's parents. Ya'll, if I make it through this? I need fucking MEDAL.

I've never understood CS's relationship with his parents, as well as the relationships between his siblings and their parents. Most people I know have gotten to the point where their parents are on the same level as friends. I realize not everyone is as close to their mom's as I am to mine, but I generally see my peers in a much more mature relationship with their parents at this point. But the relationships that CS's and his siblings have with their parents must still be in the teenage years. And their youngest child is 24. Remember when you were a teenager and you didn't tell your parents about a boyfriend because you couldn't date or you skipped work because you stayed out too late the night before, etc. because you didn't want to get in trouble? This is what I liken their relationship to. Their kids don't tell the parents about the details in their lives because they will still get in trouble. Not grounded, obviously, but they make them feel like their actions are a disappointment to how they were raised. So the children lie to them and avoid certain situations because their parents cannot accept that they are adults. And as adults, they have the opportunity to make choices that their parents might approve of or think unwise. But they should be able to do so without fear that their parents are going to be upset. Did my mom want me to move to NM with CS? Probably not. Did she want me to have a baby with him? Not really. But she's never made me feel like a disappointment to her for choosing those things.

But I never understood why CS and his siblings choose to pretend about certain things or keep secrets until now. CS's parents are making CS and I sleep in separate rooms. Never mind that we have a fucking BABY, or that we have lived together for two years now. Never mind that I signed the common law form to get health insurance, something that most gays and lesbians are fighting for, correct? His parents believe that it goes against their moral values to allow us to stay here and sleep in the same room. I am 25 and CS is 29. Surely they must know that we are going to continue to have sex under their roof. But the privilege of sharing a bed openly is not ours.

I tried to talk to his mom about it because when she first talked to me, she wasn't sure if that rule still applied since OBVIOUSLY we've had sex, and we are adults, we live like we are married. So when the "house rule" came up, I thought that I could present my opinion on it and have it taken into consideration. WRONG. It doesn't matter that CS and I haven't been on the same schedule for 10 months now, and that I'd like to be able to have some time alone with him. Even though we came very close to ending our relationship less than two weeks ago. It doesn't matter that CS will be able to sleep alone and never have to worry about waking Jacob up with his loud alarm for work. He will never be there for weekend mornings when Jacob pounces on us. There will be no leaky diapers in his bed or crying fits at 3 AM. Since we are not married, we cannot share a room and we cannot be a family. Because of their Values and Morals. Which apparently I insulted by questioning the rules.

But I call Bullshit. This could also be attributed to the fact that his mom doesn't understand why we are not married, and thus it's a good push toward being married if we want to have one bedroom. Also, she blames us for her daughter living with her boyfriend. We are a bad influence.

I am so thankful that I do not have parents like this. I am so grateful that my mother does not rest her personal morals on laurels and force them onto me. I am so glad that I never have to lie to her or hide what I'm doing. That I am accepted in all my flaws because I am her child and she loves me. I hope I can be that kind of mama to Jacob.

So Tired.

We took Jacob to a pediatrician today. I've finally given up on trying to help him with his "digestion issues" or "only pooping once a week and screaming, crying, and bleeding his way through through it." I tried removing bananas, apples, rice, squash, and carrots. I fed him only fruit, green beans, peas, and prunes. I tried Cheerios. I gave him teaspoons of dark karo syrup and tried to use apple juice in a sippy cup. So far nothing has helped him and every week we go through the same routine. Baby starts crying and straining and I rub his belly and pump his legs like he's on a bicycle to help him poop. The pediatrician wrote a prescription for a laxative and I am to give it to him daily until things start working on their own. Which might take weeks to a few months. It's not a quick fix. It's a good thing, that we have some place to start and I certainly don't want to do the other options if the medicine doesn't work out because, lo, we have no health insurance. And the little ten minute visit with the doctor cost us $185. HOLY SHIT PEOPLE. I called a different place this morning and their fee was $110 for "people like us" and I thought that was high. I should have asked when I called them and got an appointment. I should have said "I'm sorry, we can't afford that," when she told me the total. I'm buying groceries with fucking food stamps right now. I cannot afford to have a sick child. I know I should have gone to the county nurse. I just had no idea it could cost so much to see a doctor for ten minutes. Why can they do this? How can they charge someone with no insurance what they'd charge an insurance company who finds ways to write things off. Is this how they make their money? By overcharging the people who can't afford to pay insurance if they aren't part of a group? Even if I did have insurance, I would would still be paying all their charges because I can't afford to pay $250 a month for one child to have a $500 deductible and an 80/20 co-pay. Yes, I should go down to the county and get Medicaid or whatever to cover my baby's doctor's visits. But I don't have a car here yet, so anytime I take the truck to get these kinds of things in order, I am using time that CS needs to go sell his frozen meat and make us money to live. It's such a catch-22. I need my car, but I can't afford to get it here. Meanwhile, I'm going deeper into a hole trying to get everything together with only one car.

So I'm tired. I'm tired of being so broke that I'm actually buying groceries on food stamps. Tired of being stuck in a house all day long while Cs goes out and usually comes home empty handed because the money he does make is going straight back to the truck to pay for the fuel he uses to drive around. I'm tired of looking at my maxed out credit card statements. Tired of bills from doctor's offices saying I'm overdue and may be sent to collections. I'm tired of borrowing money from parents, paying them back, and borrowing again.

On the bright side, Jacob's prescription only cost $4 at Walmart. Also there is a almost perfectly healthy boy at my feet, if we overlook the pooping issues and the fact that he's on a nursing strike and I left my breast pump at home and OMG you have no idea how badly my boobs hurt right now.

This gets better right?

One Is The Loneliest Number

I don't really like weekends anymore. Every Saturday and Sunday morning, when Jacob wakes up and gives me his sleepy grin, I think about how there will be no one to bring him to and we can laugh over his crazy bed climbing before getting up and making cappuccinos. There is no one to go for a walk with or make pancakes for me. I thought I was lonely in Colorado. It's worse now.

CS and I are living different lives. He sleeps till afternoon and goes to bed around 3 or 4 AM. I get up with Jacob and I go to bed shortly after he does. I still sleep alone, or with the baby. Everyday should be like a weekend, but there is no joy here. Jacob won't play with CS unless he takes him out of the room and away from me. Otherwise, he crawls over to me. I suspect he would do this to CS's parents as he always shot me looks of "I need you to play with me" whenever his mom took him from me. But now he can crawl so he goes where he pleases. But it doesn't help that CS is not around for most of the day. How can Jacob know him if he's not around? He loved my mom and didn't fight to get away from her. She could put him to sleep for me. But she was gone a lot when we were there. I think he associates her as a parent, and he doesn't see CS as one. It makes sense, my mom and I are very alike in our play with him. It doesn't help that CS had to leave for over two months.

It's hard being here and knowing what I am missing at home. I've looked into playgroups but I'm afraid to take the truck because CS might decide to get up and go look for a job. Our neighbor's are all older, so there aren't kids running around. The library here is so tiny, they don't have story time. Things might feel differently if I had my car here, I suppose. But we can't pay to get that out until we can pay the bills.

I hate knowing my mom is going to go get JBelle when I can't even convince CS to get out of bed and go look at garage sales for fun. I thought I was coming here to get away from the loneliness. I didn't know it was here, waiting for me all along.

Tired

Sometimes, our relationship is so hard. Ovbiously, this is not a novel concept in the history of relationships. It's normal, and probably healthy but it's so damn hard. I can't imagine life without him, especially now that we have this beautiful little boy. Even on the days when I'm so fed up with everything, I start crying when I think about doing it alone. This week was long, I was counting down the days on the day he left. This job is not going to work for us. I can't raise a baby when he's gone for a week every month. I can't have a relationship with someone if we don't have one for a week of the month. Because when he's gone, he's gone. Phone calls are brief, he's to busy to respond to text, time changes, and general lack of conversation is going to ruin us. I moved away from here a year ago to be away from this place. I do not want to raise a baby here. I love being with our families, but that's not what is best for us. It's not best for Jacob. I've been in control of my life for years, ever since I realized how to be my own person. I can be difficult to partner with because I'm strict about money and saving and no more debt. Now my life and my reputation is in his hands, and I don't trust him enough anymore to feel safe there. I'm tired of the power struggle between who's right and who's wrong and waiting for things to be done when I've asked a million times. It's terrible to be in love, and feel alone next to each other in bed. I hate putting the frustration behind me only to have it rear it's head the next day. I carry my share of blame. I don't let things go easily and I get frustrated quickly. I'm not asking for the end, I'm just waiting for a change.