Uninvited Invaders
cel·lu·lite
lumpy fat deposits, esp. in the thighs and buttocks.
Special thanks to Dictionary.com for that one...however, I must say NO SHIT!!! Lumpy fat deposits...ya think???!!!???
I am grossed out...how did they get there? I never invited them to take up residence in my thighs, but they're here...fat deposits...wonderful.
I WANT THEM OUT...GET OUT OF MY BODY!!!
Trust me, I didn't just get them...they've been there for a little while, but I've recently begun to take more of an interest in them. No, not enough to get liposuction (however it's not completely out of the question), but enough to seriously inspect them...talk about an exercise in self-control.
There was no crying in the making of this post.
Cellulite is a topographic skin change that is claimed to occur in most postpubertal females.
"Claimed to occur???" Seriously??? Do you not have eyes??? These are not empty claims. The cellulite is real and it's here to stay. No one would claim this shit unless it was real. Trust me.
Wikipedia also says that you shouldn't wear tight undies because "Wearing tight underwear enhances cellulite formation by impeding the flow of lymphatic fluid in the hips and thighs." Ummm...gross, but thanks for the tip.
Seriously, calling it orange peel syndrome or cottage cheese does not make it any more cute...it actually just makes me lose my appetite for oranges and cottage cheese (although I'm not sure I had one to begin with anyway). Orange farmers should be pissed that they're likening their precious crops to this hideous womanly occurrence.
Anyway, I'm putting it out there...I have it...it's on the back of my legs fer sher and definitely on the front. Husband claims not to see it...yeah...gotta love him, but he's full of shit...either that or I need to have a chat with his optometrist b/c something ain't right there!
Just going on record for saying that I could see why women get lipo as nothing else will fix this horror show...if only I could get lipo without having to go under the laughy gas and with a short recovery time...oh, and it were covered by insurance!
I'm not sure you got the memo about your job description. I'm only saying this because you're doing everything wrong. I hope you understand that I love you and, while I understand that I don't have much of a choice, I will burn you at the stake if you don't shape up.
You are responsible for the following tasks:
Sincerely, Rebecca
Special thanks to Dictionary.com for that one...however, I must say NO SHIT!!! Lumpy fat deposits...ya think???!!!???
I am grossed out...how did they get there? I never invited them to take up residence in my thighs, but they're here...fat deposits...wonderful.
I WANT THEM OUT...GET OUT OF MY BODY!!!
Trust me, I didn't just get them...they've been there for a little while, but I've recently begun to take more of an interest in them. No, not enough to get liposuction (however it's not completely out of the question), but enough to seriously inspect them...talk about an exercise in self-control.
There was no crying in the making of this post.
Cellulite is a topographic skin change that is claimed to occur in most postpubertal females.
"Claimed to occur???" Seriously??? Do you not have eyes??? These are not empty claims. The cellulite is real and it's here to stay. No one would claim this shit unless it was real. Trust me.
Wikipedia also says that you shouldn't wear tight undies because "Wearing tight underwear enhances cellulite formation by impeding the flow of lymphatic fluid in the hips and thighs." Ummm...gross, but thanks for the tip.
Seriously, calling it orange peel syndrome or cottage cheese does not make it any more cute...it actually just makes me lose my appetite for oranges and cottage cheese (although I'm not sure I had one to begin with anyway). Orange farmers should be pissed that they're likening their precious crops to this hideous womanly occurrence.
Anyway, I'm putting it out there...I have it...it's on the back of my legs fer sher and definitely on the front. Husband claims not to see it...yeah...gotta love him, but he's full of shit...either that or I need to have a chat with his optometrist b/c something ain't right there!
Just going on record for saying that I could see why women get lipo as nothing else will fix this horror show...if only I could get lipo without having to go under the laughy gas and with a short recovery time...oh, and it were covered by insurance!
Dear Bathing Suit,
I'm not sure you got the memo about your job description. I'm only saying this because you're doing everything wrong. I hope you understand that I love you and, while I understand that I don't have much of a choice, I will burn you at the stake if you don't shape up.
You are responsible for the following tasks:
- Your deliciously decorated fabric must distract viewers from the growing patches of cellulite on the backs of my legs. If you're not distracting, then we have issues.
- Your straps must no longer cut into my back fat.
- Your boob cups must actually cup my boobs...I don't want any possibility of a nip slip while in the pool with my children...no matter how hard they tug.
- If my tummy should happen to pop out, it is your job to restrain it...I mean, come on, you're all spandexy, right? Hold that shit in place for the love of God!!! It's not my fault that my body took on another shape entirely after birthing the Crazies...however, it will be your fault if you don't do something about it...and soon.
- Please cease and desist all battles you are having with my ass cheeks for position. Your position is under my ass cheek...not in the middle, not one at a time (even if it makes your job easier), and God take mercy on your soul if you even think about going higher!!! Just stay put! Don't let the cheek get the best of you! Hang in there!!!
Sincerely, Rebecca
