The Simple Pleasures of a Peanut Butter Sandwich

Do you stop and think how tasty and smooth/crunchy the peanut butter sandwich is? A perfect PB sandwich is one of the best edible creations mankind has ever came up with. When George Washington Carver set out and made peanut butter did he realize how important his creation would be? The paradigm of sandwiches, from the young to the old?

There are some heretics out there that taint their PB sandwich with that blasphemous substance known as jelly. Yuck. A loud, resonating YUCK echoing around in some hollow walls. Jelly is all good and fine, provided you use it to put on toast or biscuits or some bread. Now when you go and grab some jelly and smear it on a piece of bread that is destined to connect with another piece of bread that has PB on it you've committed a huge sin. Drop to your knees and beg forgiveness, because PB&J are not meant to be.

But everybody else eats a PB&J sandwich, so why can't I? You may be wondering that very thing, but fear not, good people, I've an answer to your query. Because it is written in the Peanut Butter Bible, divined by GWC himself, found in the first (and only) book in the aforementioned Bible, Rules, which states explicitly in chapter 42, verses 197-198:

"197And never shall the creation come in contact with anything foul and inherently full of sin, namely animal fluids and jellies. Above all, never let the creation mix and mingle with jellies. Doritos are okay.
198The creation should always be kept pure and true, varying either in complete smoothness or crunchy, depending on the mood and personal preference, but this preference must not allow jellies to join in the party on the sandwich, or you shall surely die."

See folks, I'm not making this stuff up. How could I? I am a good and faithful servant of eating a pure PB sandwich, and I love 'em. Two slices whole wheat, edges still on, a heaping portion of crunchy peanut butter on each slice, smoothed out, and smashed together. You don't see the word jelly in there. No thank you. I'll stay away from that stuff, and you should too. Think about it next time your making a PB sandwich and are reaching for the J. Do you really need that jelly, or is it just society influencing your choices?

{[Two important notes: (1) If you don't like peanut butter then that's all good and fine. So be it. Whatever. I don't care. It don't hurt my feelings that you don't like it. That also means you don't like PB&J, so we're on the same page there. (2) If you're allergic to nuts then my hat's off to you, unless your name happens to be Sean, and then you've got no excuse.]}