Ah-ha! I have finally understood the importance of paper weights. All my life, I've thought, "What's the point?" Are they for desk decor? Are they something that people use as thoughtless gifts? Are they murder weapons in a game of office Clue?
But, dear and faithful readers, I am here to tell you they are not. Nay, read on and you shall be enlightened.
I got up from my desk to ask my boss a question, give him a heads-up on what I was working on and so forth. It felt like Antarctica in his office, the window unit A/C fighting to keep our old building cool from the 100+ degree heat index. I was gone for a few minutes, and when I returned to my desk, some of my papers were on the floor. I stooped to pick them up, legs a little stiff from my hour-and-a-half bike ride last night. And then it all clicked.
My desk fan, which I take for granted and tend to ignore, actually stirs the air around my desk. I notice a calendar on the wall behind me gently swaying with each passing rotation of the fan. And, subconsciously, I realize I have my own functional paperweights: a heavy design manual, my coffee cup (this one a hand-crafted ceramic piece from Gatlinburg, TN), my TI-83 Plus Silver Edition calculator. All along I've been holding down my papers from the cooling breeze of the fan, never really acknowledging the importance of paper weights.
Never again will I disrespect you, oh small and barely noticed paper weights. I'll no longer scoff and mock your purpose in my life. You are the constant worker at my desk, never appreciated or even recognized. To you I give thanks.
(Part V is going through the LOGANKSTEWARTVIGOROUSEDITING process. Forthcoming.)
