very sad post: sitting talking to A. while he had his bath tonight, I was telling him how we're going to Sydney on the plane soon, him and mummy and daddy. he was listening to me and saying "daddy", "plane", "mummy" at odd moments, repeating my words and connecting with the story, not that he really understands.

and at the moment he said "mummy" I realised: if having another baby means going off Tamoxifen, and if doing that will increase by any percentage at all my chances of dying, I can't do it. just can't. It's a risk I can take for myself, and would if I didn't already have a child. but I can't make it even more likely than it already is that that little boy will grow up motherless. I have no right. So it's surrogacy or a five-year wait (I'd be 44). that's it. it makes me very, very sad and I think I'm going to enter a phase of having real trouble with other people's multiple kids, especially the toddler-and-baby combination. I should be pregnant again by now. but that life is gone.